How to transform your relationship, 8 steps to rise (not fall!) in love
Say, you fell crazy in love with each other and thought that you have stumbled upon the goldmine of existence, to find out along the way that you actually, very often can’t even stand your spouse anymore.
Sounds familiar? You are not alone, and the good news is that you can rise in love even if it feels as far from reality as a flight to space.
I remember the day of my wedding. I was standing there at 24 years young and thinking to my self (in horror) if I stand any chance to last in this marriage. All I knew back then, is that this life commitment is a big thing especially when I had no successful role model to follow. Since then, with many ups and downs, many challenges and falling in and out of love a couple of times, I know that it is possible. 20 years later and I can proudly announce that my love relationship is better now than ever before (with the same man).Want to know how? follow these eight steps
1. Get Real about love.
The Ecstasy of falling in love is short lived. All those fantastic chemicals that flooded your system is a temporary phenomenon that only last 1–2 years (if you are lucky). When all those chemicals fade, you are stepping into the next level of intimacy if you manage to cross over this trash hold. Not only that you don’t feel the sweetness of love in the same intensity any longer, but also, you see each other a little more clearly as human beings, without the blinding effect of the chemicals. You start noticing all the flaws and shadows of your partner, and you awake from the fantasy you may have created about the other person.
2. Communication is key.
Practice vulnerable, real, honest and raw communication. A healthy relationship should be a safe space where you want to be yourself without the need to act in a certain way. Let your partner know how you genuinely feel without the undertone of complaint or blame.
Being transparent and able to sit in the fire of truth (even when it hurts) will bring you closer together.
check the following link to learn about nonviolent communication https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2muXlYE2CV4
3. Invest in yourself.
Find your individuality. Live your life mission and pursue your dreams. Find ways to pamper yourself and practice radical self-love. Nothing is more attractive than a self-fulfilled, happy and joyful person.
Recognise your own needs and fulfill them yourself. Your partner’s job is not to make you happy but rather to share and celebrate your happiness with you. Make sure that you bring the best version of yourself to the equation and see how the dance of the entire dynamic changes.Some say, it takes two to tango and complains that they have a partner who is not willing to do the work on the relationship. Your part is more significant than you think.
You can only change yourself and watch how by magic the entire relationship shifts.
4. Do you have a long list of things you want to change in your spouse?
Do you feel that he/she are not meeting essential needs of yours? We are always projecting on each other our inner needs/struggles/weak points, etc. Write down your list of things. So that you have a tangible way to work through it.
For each point, you have written, reflect upon it and see how you can fulfill this need for yourself. How can you take full responsibility for it by recognizing your blind spots? For example, if you keep complaining that your spouse is not there for you, check how can you show up for yourself better, or if it bothers you that your spouse is overspending, check where are you overspending or perhaps underspending. With every pointing finger, three fingers are pointing back at you. We can only be emotionally charged by something we recognize in our selves, and our partners are our most magnificent mirrors for that.
Embracing this truth can ignite our inner fire for our growth and transformation, as we enlighten our own shadows.
If you change your attitude from: “what can I get out of the relationship?” to “what can I give to the relationship?”, You made a quantum leap.
5. change the lenses with which you view your partner through.
Make a conscious choice to re-pattern the way you perceive things. It is easy to get caught in the: “taking for granted the good things and amplifying the bad.” only this advice can turn stagnant or difficult relationships into a great one.
Take a challenge for a week and amplify all the good qualities of your spouse and all the right things he/ she does and ignore the so-called ‘bad.’ For an entire week, erase all the negative thoughts and let only the positive ones, space to be. Can you do it for one week?
This practice will rewire your neurological pathways and make you grateful again for all the things you have taken for granted.
Also, watch your inner dialogue and the conversations you have with others. Do you often speak in a negative tone about your spouse? If you are genuinely seeking transformation in your relating than watching what energy you feed, knowing that what you feed grows.
6. Accept that there are different seasons in your relationship and allow that organic natural flow to happen.
Don’t get attached to one season only and resist the rest. Through this life journey together many things will happen that will have the high impact on your relating.
One of the best exercises I found to reconnect to each other is to sit in front of each other, hold hands, look each other in the eyes and take turns to say what you appreciate about the other. It is an instant uplifter and a way to reconnect through the heart.
7. How is your sexuality?
It is a significant component of an intimate relationship, and if one of you feel unsatisfied, it will create tension and cause issues.
There are many ways to enhance your sexual experience as a couple, even if it seems that you lost the passion that was once there (or even if not). I highly recommend to attend a workshop together or do personal work if you feel that you have issues/ blocks/ lack of desire. We are all sexual beings, and the sexual energy is the very life energy.
From my own experience, making sexuality sacred and inviting the divine into lovemaking, shapeshifted my life into new heights. I am directing my sexual bliss into manifesting my life the way I dream it, and it’s really cool.
8. Take time apart.
I feel that a break from each other can be the greatest gift to the relationship. Go on a weekend away with your girlfriends, a retreat or anything that makes your heart sing and notice how you are back with renewed energies and a broader perspective, re-evaluate each other and takes a distance from the current life to emerge anew.
But also, being Alone is super important. Especially when we have our moon (menstruation). We need time to retreat and reflect. Do you enjoy your own company or do you feel you need to be with someone or to do something? Learn how to enjoy your private company.
There are so much you can do on your own to see a significant shift in your relationship. It is an excellent opportunity to work on your self and grow. Time to practice self-love, self-reliance, patience, and wisdom.