Sexuality is a vital element in the thriving of a loving relationship. If you currently in a relationship (or ready for one) and you feel a blockage in your ability to enjoy satisfying, pleasurable and orgasmic sexuality with your beloved, don’t be discouraged. Sexual wounds are very deep and need the time and safe space to heal. If you feel disturbed, activated or triggered from past sexual abuse, disconnected from your body, closed, maybe even repelled, or simply not enjoying sex, read the following. The very healing journey is a dive into the depths of your soul. This is your ticket to your own spiritual awakening. You have the power to alchemise the wounds into your golden power. A healthy relationship is a great opportunity to heal these wounds and to find the blessings in disguise.
When I met my husband twenty-two years ago, I was a sexual mess. There was this gorgeous man I was falling in love with and the only way I could get aroused was to fantasize about abusive memories, those that brought up the pain of shame and guilt. I was disconnected from my body and I felt broken. I was sexually molested by my stepfather for a few years. I even received my first orgasm when I was nine years old. This profound experience (I only understood years later that it was an orgasm…!) have changed the trajectory of my life. The shame that my body enjoyed the pleasure was very heavy to carry. I could give myself orgasms (using abusive fantasies) but with a partner, I was frozen. It took me decades of dedicated work to connect again to my sovereign sexuality. The wounds of the abuse affected every area of my life. Being in a long term relationship, there were many times that I was ready to renounce sex. It brought up so much pain and felt uncomfortable. My man who adores me did not give up until I managed to ride on the waves of multiple orgasms. (He was very patient…it took many years!) As a therapist, working with women and through my own healing journey I found these seven essential keys to cultivate healthy sexuality:
1. Vulnerability- the power of being real. If you were abused, you were abused! Acceptance is primal for healing. You don’t have to feel shame for being abused. Whatever the story is, if it was not under your full consent it’s wrong! children don’t have that consent developed yet, they simply respond to touch, being born wired for pleasure. Drop any shame or guilt that you might carry regarding the abuse. It is not your fault. Acknowledge the fact that the abuse affected you deeply and make a conscious decision to heal the wounds. Your partner needs to know your story. He (or she, I will use him for convenience) need to journey with you through your process and he needs to make that decision. It’s a big commitment to make (and if he can’t make the commitment than he is not the right partner) but it will only grow the love and intimacy between you. It’s vital to be able to open up an honest conversation with your partner (preferably outside the bedroom…) so he will be able to hold space for you no matter what. Even if you suddenly burst crying (or laughing!) during making love. He needs to understand that if you withdraw or disconnect, not to take it personally and remain gentle and loving. 2. Boundaries- are the distance at which you can love yourself and someone else simultaneously. Your ability to say: “No” is vital for your healing journey. It will give you a sense of full ownership over your body and this is the piece that was violated before. You have to move at a pace that is comfortable for you and honours you exactly where you are. Your full “Yes” needs to arise from a place of feeling empowered. Your partner has to understand this as an important key for your return to wholeness.
3. Sexual triggers- are sudden changes that shut down the flow of your sexual energy. Are you familiar with all of a sudden disconnect/block or even repelled in the midst of sexual interaction? It can be a certain smell, touch, song, thought, etc. These sexual triggers arise from the body’s memories of past abuse are actually your road map for healing. Working with these triggers in a conscious way will serve as quantum leaps in your path of healing. It is important to notice a trigger when it happens and to track it back to its origin and to have a safe space to process it together with your partner. By being able to move towards a trigger in a loving and supported way, you dilute the effect of it and free your sexual flow.
4. Self-love- is the key to pleasure, happiness and joy. Self-love is vital for living a fulfilled life and manifesting your dreams and desires. It is the foundation of all other loving relationships and is also essential to the experience of satisfying sexuality. True self-love is not the kind of selfish, superior narcissistic behaviour, which focuses on pampering one’s own ego while undermining others. It is the compassionate capacity to fully love yourself. This means showing up exactly the way you are: no matter what is the shape of your nose or the size of your hips, if you overweight or have cellulite. Showing up with your anger, rage and the entire spectrum of your feelings. These all are part of the human design and only through self-love, you learn how to navigate your emotional well-being. Self-love is, accepting yourself in the present moment with your shadows and the parts that you find harder to love. Self-love is the ability to accept yourself fully as the perfect imperfection that you are. As the divine soul having a human experience. Self-love is being your best friend. The more you love yourself, the easier it is to create a positive upward spiral that takes good care of all the parts of your being. The more you love yourself the stronger your motivation to live the life of your dreams and the less resistance you will experience. Take good care of yourself, do more of what brings you pleasure and joy. You are wired for pleasure and this is your birthright. You want to fill your inner cup with love before you can abundantly share it with others.
5. Positive body image The journey of life is to fully embody yourself in your sacred body. Your body is the temple that houses your soul, it has the most incredible intelligence, wisdom and capability for healing. The first step is total unconditional love, gratitude and acceptance of your body, however, it looks or feels. The objectification of beauty created through the media has corrupted our perception of what real beauty is, creating illusionary idols which are far removed from the expansiveness of true beauty. The fashion industry has created despair for so many women and girls, especially when they begin comparing themselves to the false images and models presented in the media as the ultimate ideal of “beauty.” You beautiful as you are. You are even more beautiful when you shine. Treat your body with respect, gratitude and good care. Your body holds the potential for orgasmic pleasure. Take a good look at your pussy, connect to her beauty, she is your gateway to the divine. She thrives on attention. Masturbate. Learn to navigate your inner pathway to pleasure so you can share with your partner.
6. Invite the divine into your sexuality. Shift your perception from any negative message you received from your society about your sexuality. Your sexuality is your life force creative energy and it is sacred. It can create life. What happens when you fall pregnant? This is the work of the divine (You don’t know how to make a baby…) When you invite the divine into your lovemaking (with intention, by creating an altar, lighting candles, etc) you transform shame into prayer.
7. Connect to nature You are made of the elements. Your bones made of the earth, the water is your blood, the fire of creation burns through your passions makes your digestion possible and keeps your body temperature stable. The air you breathe is the great spirit itself. We are connected to each other more than we realise and to the entire grid of creation. Our ultimate mother is the earth that nourishes us and provides such abundance. Our ultimate father is the Sun, giving us warmth, direction and light. Spend more time in the wild nature, walk barefoot on the earth and receive her healing vibrations.
Nunaisi is a qualified Yoga teacher, Breathwork facilitator, Holistic Health Consultant, Reiki master and Spiritual Intuitive.
She is a graduate of the Institute of Natural Health (1999-2000) and holds a diploma in Nutrition, Iridology, Herbs, Various types of body work and Councelling.
She is a student of Tantra, Taoism, Indigenous Wisdom and Shamanic practices for over 20 years and studied with Mystics and Shamans from around the world.
She recently returned to South Africa after a journey of 4 years traveling the world with her partner, Ofer and 3 kids.